GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE APRIL 5, 1996

Rinaldi Jewelry

Where "Lil"

Things Mean A Lot

TV's own "Lil John" would like to aquaint you with his fine jewelry store.

Rinaldi Jewelry is the downtown store with a touch of old-fashioned service and quality that caters to your needs. Come see us for your commitment rings.

Our Personal Services Of:

• Appraisal • Free Ring Cleaning • Repairs • Free Inspection

Phone 216/566-0603

•

2028 East 9th Street Between Euclid & Prospect Hours: Monday Friday 10:00a.m. to 5:30p.m.⚫ Saturday 10:00a.m. to3:00 p.m. Mention this ad for 20% Off Your Purchase!

C. Wesley Jackson, Jr. Ph. D. Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, ABPP

Change Your Life For The Better Counseling and Psychotherapy

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"Serving the confidential needs of Northeast Ohioans for over 30 years."

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ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN

I get so emotional, baby

"I am not a lesbian. I wish they'd stop saying it. I have a daughter, for God's sake. They write this shit and one day I'm gonna have to talk to my daughter.

-Whitney Houston to Entertainment Weekly

Homegirl, I know where you're coming

from.

I get mistaken for a Major Dyke all the time and it takes my mother's milk for gall. Hell, I ain't even a woman-biological, surgical or whatnot-and still the tongues wag worse than bell hooks and Camille Paglia going ten rounds on Oprah.

Bein' in the entertainment business, I suppose we should suspect no less. The way folks wallow and spew, it's like around-theclock hog sloppin.' I'm still amazed the industry came one snort short of letting that pig morph into an Academy Award.

But, Whitney, out of pure sisterly solidarity, I thought I'd provide you with a few comebacks for that dreaded moment when The Question finally arrives. We don't want her taking your stunned silence for confession or worse, having her turn to the Ultimate Authority, the National Enquirer.

Take your pick. There are no wrong an-

swers:

1. Well, of course, darling. They don't allow kids with heterosexual parents to attend Hollywood High.

2. Truth or Dare?

3. (Tearful). I was new to the businessone of those parties in the Hills-I was drunk or stoned or, at any rate, not myself. It never happened again. That week.

4. (Just sing:) "I believe that children are

our future."

5. Where'd you hear that? I paid that Heidi Fleiss damn good hush money.

6. Go ask Alice. Walker.

7. One threesome with Ashford and Simpson does not a bulldagger make. 8. That was a nasty rumor started by: a. Bobby Brown (after the honeymoon). b. Paula Abdul (after her last album). c. Lisa Marie (before the divorce to draw media fire from Michael, boys, lawsuits, chimp, etc., etc.).

d. Louis Farrakhan (after I said I wouldn't sing at the march even with the original title, "Whitney! A Million to One.").

9. Once-maybe-but I didn't swallow. 10. The world's one cold-ass kitchen, baby. Love is the best soup. Why quibble over bowls?

11. It's not who you love or how you love, but making sure nothing screws up big-buck AT&T deals.

12. (Just sing:) "But I-I-I will always love you-ouuuu.

13. Sweetcheeks, you couldn't be more on the wrong end of the stick if you were Mel Gibson at the Hollywood Spa! Can't stand women touching me. Don't even touch myself. Had to be under heavy sedation just to breastfeed you!

14. Show business is a cesspool from which the methane gas of gossip ever flows. The only high colonic is Scripture. Let us read, you and I, Leviticus yet again.

15. Hell's bells, baby, why should lang and Etheridge and the rest of them butches grab all the headlines and GLAAD banquets? Don't femmes deserve a spokesmodel?

16. Is there no such thing as privacy? Stop pestering me! Go over and play with Vanessa Williams' kids. And ask their mom what she did before she was married! ✓

Aubrey Wertheim lives in Oberlin, Ohio.

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SUNDAY, MARCH 31

9TH ANNIVERSARY

hun) a growing together of parts

Keith A. Oliver, Ph.D. psychologist

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a German Village psychological service

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691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, OH 43206 614-444-1513